I don’t get too much time to read books or magazines. I have a subscription to Parents magazine that I got for FREE(Woo-hoo) and I will take it with me and read it when I’m in the car waiting to pick the boys up from school, or take it with me to the Doctors office to read while I’m in the waiting room.
There was an article in one issue a couple months back about how unmarried couple, single women, and teens aren’t the only ones who have unplanned pregnancies. It is actually quite common for married couple to face this issue as well.
This made me think of my own story.
In April Chris and I took the boys to Disney. We got a great deal, and lets face it Disney can be a bit on the pricey side so if you have the opportunity at a great Disney deal…you take it. This was going to be the last Disney trip for us where Rhett was free, and where we could get away with being in one room together at the value resort. We had a great time. Chris and I were even planning to take another trip back to Disney in July to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. The boys could stay with the sitter for a weekend, and we could have a mini second honeymoon.
We came home from Disney with so many plans for 2009. We were going to start branching out doing more with the boys since they were getting older and doing more as a couple since we had such an awesome babysitter.
Then I found out I was late. Well it didn’t exactly go like that. All the excitement of Disney made me forget and then I remembered when we got home that I wasn’t exactly working the way my calender was.( Ladies you know what I mean) So I took a pregnancy test just to ease my mind. Because I was for sure that it was just the fact that I had forgotten when I was suppose to start. The test came back positive before the allotted time was even up. I screamed for Chris and handed the test to him. “What the F@#$”, I said. I then told him two lines meant positive and that I was pregnant.
All I could do was sit there and stare. I already had THREE children, all boys and I just knew this baby would be another boy. I cried… a lot, and I’m not a crier. I cried to Chris, and he listened. I knew he had mixed feelings as well, but he wasn’t letting them show. I knew he didn’t want to make me feel worse. I cried to my best friend, (the first person I told other than Chris and the only other person who knew for months before anyone else) she was what every best friend should be, understanding. She helped me feel something other than numb.
There were so many things going through my head. 1) I already had three kids, could I love another child. There are times when I have a hard time splitting myself up between three, physically and emotionally. I wasn’t sure I could do it for a fourth. 2) I always said that I never wanted my oldest child to be put in a position where they felt they had to be a parental figure. So, I never wanted there to be ten years between my first and last child. Peyton turned ten in October. 3) We live in a three bedroom apartment. We are already bulging at the seams. Could we really add another child and all their things to the mix? 4) What would my Dad have to say?
I let at least a month go by where I was so depressed. I cried on a daily basis. There was no way I was telling my family about me getting pregnant again. They already give me so much hell about having three. I was sure I was going to get worse for four.
I also felt so bad about one other thing. Here I am Thirty years old and having a baby. This is what a lot of women dream of and have a hard time reaching, yet I was crying because I was lucky enough to be pregnant, and I didn’t want to be. I felt so selfish. If there was any a time for us to be having another baby now was it. Chris has a great job with great security. He was making more than he was when we had Peyton, yet I was worried that people would think we wouldn’t be able to take care of this child. We were in the process of saving for a house and had just paid off our vehicles. Why was I so scared about what everyone was going to think? This is my family and decisions about our future are ours to make. I think the main thing was this wasn’t a decision we had decided on. This was something that was placed in our laps unexpectedly. I think that was the hardest thing to face.
I faced this head on. It was difficult for me. There really is no other way to put it.
I was scared out of my mind. I was scared of things that now to look at it, were things that I shouldn’t have been scared about. I began to embrace being pregnant and grew to love the baby that was growing inside of me. I knew that God would only give me what I could handle. Nothing excited me more about this pregnancy than to find out that I was going to be blessed to have a baby girl added to my family. I couldn’t believe that the one thing I had always wished for, yet never had, was placed unexpectedly in my lap.